I have a tendency to be shy. I know I’m not alone…it’s a feeling most of us experience in some situations.
What I’ve found interesting is that people often don’t believe me when I say I’m shy. I come across generally as outgoing and confident. But the social anxiety is there, stirring away inside me, even if it can’t be seen. For me it’s mainly on first meetings, or if I am in a crowd of people I don’t know.
I haven’t been putting myself out of my “social comfort zone” too much recently. That goes along with the whole “shy” thing – I have a tendency to avoid social situations that might make me feel uncomfortable. But I was invited to a baby shower recently for a girl I adore and although my husband and I have spent a fair bit of time with them as a couple, I hadn’t met her other friends or family. But because of my love for her, this was not one of those events that I was going to allow my shyness to interrupt.
So I arrived. 10 mins late so not to be the first there. The room was packed with unfamiliar faces. I bee-lined straight for her and said hello. I knew full well I couldn’t hang around her the whole time like a bad-smell. Everyone was there to see her. She didn’t need a cling-on. I felt like I was busting out into cold sweats. For a moment I was looking around going “who looks approachable?” “Where do I start?” “If I just stand here looking uncomfortable will someone talk to me?”
And then I did something that was out of my usual routine. Rather than trying to control my social anxiety I seemingly embraced it. It’s hard to explain, but rather than be overwhelmed by my feelings of discomfort I kind of just let them wash over me and got on with the physical tasks at hand. I focused on the moment I was in without anticipating the next moment too much. I grabbed a drink, went to the food table and picked up some nibbles. After realizing there was no one that looked immediately approachable in that room, I decided to go and explore, and low and behold, there was a large table all set up perfectly for sitting and eating at.
A couple of people were there already…”is this the table for the baby shower?” Just like that I had started a conversation, and we were off.
Embracing my tendency towards shyness, and just “letting it be” was unique for me, and I feel like I learned a few lessons along the way. Here are three little thoughts that might help you next time you feel socially anxious.
- If you are both at an event, it means you already have a shared interest. I was at a baby-shower. Everyone else at the event had the same interest I did…the momma-to-be! Easy, let’s start with talking about her and how I know her. The same principle runs true for a networking evening however, or a presentation. You are both at that event because you share an interest in the topic. Talk about it!
- You’re not the only one with Social Anxiety. I used to think I was the only person who was shy. I’ve revised that thought. Having now spent around 8 years analyzing and working with people’s personality profiles I now know that MOST people experience a level of social anxiety or shyness. It is so much more common than being confident in social situations.
- Be yourself. This time I was confident enough to just open up and really truly be myself. I shared without reservation and before long, I was having truly deep, interesting and heart-warming conversations! You get what you give. If you turn up and genuinely contribute, people will generally respond in kind. This could be your genuine opinion on how you felt about a topic just represented in a networking event or a more detailed description than you might normally give about how you meet a mutual friend. And when I say a genuine opinion, I mean it. Don’t say what you think other people want to hear. There seems to be an unwritten rule in the world that we are drawn to authenticity. When people are sharing their truth (as opposed to attempting to wear a social mask) we generally like them even more. So just share yourself.
Increasing your awareness of yourself, your strengths and the things that might trip you up, really does allow you to make changes. I don’t want to be shy. It serves no purpose for me. Consciously acknowledging that it is a natural tendency of mine gives me the power to override it. I’ve decided the autopilot is turned off on this one – shyness is no longer something I need. So next time, I’ll go into “manual functioning” (aka me in the driving seat, not my natural preferences) and I’m sure I’ll have SO much more fun ;).
Hi I’m Kate, and Thrive.How is my business-baby. I’m a kickass Life & Well-Being Coach who helps people who want the good stuff out of life, get it. I have an MSc in Psychology (the happy kind that looks for what is right with you). I offer individual coaching and personality assessment to help people clarify their thinking, grow into their potential, reconnect with themselves and regain balance. Click here to learn more.